So I am at the age where I try to buy most things second hand because I have come to the realization that my kids are destructive little assholes. No matter what I buy, it will be trashed in a month, and the blame will be put on the dogs, the cat, or the invisible guinea pig that frequents our home (because the cat decided that hot waxing the dog was a good idea, and the guinea pig cut the screen and put my granny panties on the roof waving in the breeze like the frumpy suburban mom flag that they are). Because of my new found frugal way of life (or maybe just the fact that I have waved the white flag and surrendered), I frequently browse the resale groups on Facebook. Since I am a south side girl, I started joining Southside resale groups, only to broaden my searches to the southwestern suburbs, and then moving up to the western suburbs (let’s face it, anything north of 95th street is really the north side), and only to find that there is a huge cultural divide between Riverdale/South Holland, New Lenox and Hinsdale. I really do need to take a moment to extrapolate on these differences-
1. In the Hinsdale group on Friday, I noticed that someone was selling four (?!?!) pairs of dog boots, size 2. Ummm, where do I start with this? Why in the f* does your dog need shoes, let alone four pairs of designer boots. I have to say that I was somewhat jealous of this dog’s wardrobe. I am not sure if I even have four pairs of boots. Honestly, why does your dog need boots? Are you taking him hiking in the Himalayas, and are worried about frost bite, or is it just easier to give a dog a pedi if the feet are pampered? On a side note, I think I have washed my dogs (or at least sprayed them with the hose in the past 6 months) yay me!
2. Another item that I am completely confused by is a dog stroller. Unless your dog has a disability, you are an asshole if you put your dog in the stroller. At that point, you might as well find an outfit that matches the boots. Seriously, I kicked my kids out of the stroller at 12 months; there is no way in hell I am pushing a damn dog in a yuppie status symbol, just saying…
3. I also saw a dog house that I was seriously contemplating buying and making my summer home. This thing was huge, and really, we don’t need that much room…
4. What is with the birdhouses that are better decorated than my house? I guess in the western suburbs, the birds need a beach house complete with Adirondack chairs. In my next life, I am coming back as a Western Springs bird.
5. Regular objects take on different names in the western suburbs. What I refer to as a couch, now becomes a sofa. An oversized cabinet becomes a credenza. A pool chair becomes a lounger. You know you are straight ghetto when you need to look up the definition of a credenza.
6. Why Tory Burch? I see 50 pairs of Tory Burch flip flops for $150 each. Really people, Costco has flip flops for $12.99.
7. I see kids’ toys, jungle gyms, and slides in perfect condition. How is that possible? Is that how things work in the magical Western suburbs? Let me tell you, the plastic slide in our yard had the word “butthole” carved into it, and probably stained by the blood of most of the neighborhood kids. Maybe there is some west suburban trick for erasing blood stains that I am unaware of…..
8. I frequently see kids clothes listed as “worn five times, perfect condition, and no stains”. Really? That should earn you some type of motherhood award because I am sure that wrapping your kid in bubble wrap to keep them clean and safe must be exhausting. My kids on the other hand, “Mom, this is new? Let me roll in the mud with strawberries, and 5 sharpies to break it in”.
9. OK, why does a two year old have nine pair of pink frilly shoes? I am happy if my kid arrives at our destination with two shoes, they don’t even need to match. Most of the time, we get to the store only to realize he has no shoes, but if he had nine choices, maybe we would not need to make a Costco run in one work boot and one high heel, just sayin’…
10. OK, my last thing because I could probably go on forever. Why are people buying reselling expensive patio furniture? I see ads such as “purchased for $23,000 last year, lightly used. Asking $10, 000. If I had to represent my patio furniture in a for sale ad, it would say “purchased on Craigslist for cheap as hell last year, and just looking to get some of my money back. It has been set on fire only once, the fire department responded before any real injuries or physical damage. In an attempt to put out the fire, my son catapulted the chair into the pool. As of now, he is tied to the chair. Please call before you come so we can make sure we can loosen Joe’s chair straps 
11. No drugs or knock-offs in Hinsdale. Playing “real or knockoff” is the great American pastime, and we should really continue this tradition.