So, it is that time of year when I start to fill my head with pinterest projects that I will never complete. This year, Tony De promised me $1000 for completing my fabric ceiling, and another $1000 for paiting my ceiling fan. Although I know damn well my husband will not pay up as promised, I am one of those people that when you tell me I won't or can't do something, I am going to make damn sure that I do it. So, my pinterest-y friends, I need help. I am reposting my reasons why, but seriously, someone help me prove my husband wrong.
As you may have heard, I am attempting some home improvements. Since I do not possess one iota of creativity, I am perfectly content to steal other people's ideas. As I plagerize home remodeling ideas on Pinterest, I am struck by a few things:
1. These people have way to much free time. I am not sure how they are able to make a patio complete with an outdoor kitchen by using only sea glass found in the Northern Himalayas. These pins make me really question my time management abilities. "Sorry Macy, Mom can't drive you to swim as the new family car made from pipecleaners running off the remnants of the cat litter box is almost complete". The irony of the situation is not lost on me as I spend an enourmous amount of time on Pinterest wondering where these people get all of this free time...
2. The sole purpose of Pinterest is to make moms like me feel inferior. Sorry, but as much as I love my children, I am not making tangerine graduates for snack the last day of school. I need to make sure my children have something to talk about in therapy. Consider it my contribution towards keeping mental health workers employed.
3. Pinterest also makes me feel like a crappy housekeeper. I read these pins about cleaning hacks while realize that my refrigerator is growing mold similar to something out of Creepshow. How about a hack on destroying killer radioactive mold, or better yet, how about a maid people? That's my cleaning hack.
4. Now that we have mother and house keeper covered, my ability to produce creative and thoughtful gifts for grandparents is limited. I have tried a couple of the Pinterest projects for gifts, and they somehow always resemble a project that a detoxing crack addict produced in rehab during art therapy. I am sure my family appreciates my thoughtful gift cards.
5. According to Pinterest, in order to keep my marriage strong, my house should somehow resemble a suite at the Sybaris complete with a set date night and matching undergarments. In all reality, we have 5 minutes before the kids get into a fist fight or hot wax the dog again. Throw the laundry off the bed while I change into my sexy workout clothes.
6. Pinterest highlights my ADHD. My house is full of projects that I have started, but then deemed too difficult. The painters tape on the baseboards that has been there for 5 years is now considered decoration. This just proves that I am managerial material as opposed to a laborer.
7. The meals on this site are ridiculous. I do not own a hot dog slicer, it is called a knife in my house. Nor do I own an oreo dipper, that would be your hand. I also must admit that even with my frequent trips to Whole Foods and Marianos, I have yet to find this EVOO cold pressed by 15 virgin girls in the Swiss Alps that most of these recipes call for.
8. Seriously, I do not need a hack for sewing on a button in three easy steps. Jose at the dry cleaners will do it for $5.
9. I am still not sure why Pinterest feels the need to post my Pins on facebook. It is almost mocking me, announcing to the world "Ummm...look at how f'ing stupid Jess is being. She actually thinks she is going to do this. Let's all point and laugh".
10. Pinterest is like that perfect girl in high school that could do no wrong. It is a love hate relationship. As much as I enjoy admiring from afar, I am scared if I get too close, I will start to see the faults. Therefore, I should keep my relationship with Pinterest as a idealized one, and walk away while I still have an ounce of sanity.
1. These people have way to much free time. I am not sure how they are able to make a patio complete with an outdoor kitchen by using only sea glass found in the Northern Himalayas. These pins make me really question my time management abilities. "Sorry Macy, Mom can't drive you to swim as the new family car made from pipecleaners running off the remnants of the cat litter box is almost complete". The irony of the situation is not lost on me as I spend an enourmous amount of time on Pinterest wondering where these people get all of this free time...
2. The sole purpose of Pinterest is to make moms like me feel inferior. Sorry, but as much as I love my children, I am not making tangerine graduates for snack the last day of school. I need to make sure my children have something to talk about in therapy. Consider it my contribution towards keeping mental health workers employed.
3. Pinterest also makes me feel like a crappy housekeeper. I read these pins about cleaning hacks while realize that my refrigerator is growing mold similar to something out of Creepshow. How about a hack on destroying killer radioactive mold, or better yet, how about a maid people? That's my cleaning hack.
4. Now that we have mother and house keeper covered, my ability to produce creative and thoughtful gifts for grandparents is limited. I have tried a couple of the Pinterest projects for gifts, and they somehow always resemble a project that a detoxing crack addict produced in rehab during art therapy. I am sure my family appreciates my thoughtful gift cards.
5. According to Pinterest, in order to keep my marriage strong, my house should somehow resemble a suite at the Sybaris complete with a set date night and matching undergarments. In all reality, we have 5 minutes before the kids get into a fist fight or hot wax the dog again. Throw the laundry off the bed while I change into my sexy workout clothes.
6. Pinterest highlights my ADHD. My house is full of projects that I have started, but then deemed too difficult. The painters tape on the baseboards that has been there for 5 years is now considered decoration. This just proves that I am managerial material as opposed to a laborer.
7. The meals on this site are ridiculous. I do not own a hot dog slicer, it is called a knife in my house. Nor do I own an oreo dipper, that would be your hand. I also must admit that even with my frequent trips to Whole Foods and Marianos, I have yet to find this EVOO cold pressed by 15 virgin girls in the Swiss Alps that most of these recipes call for.
8. Seriously, I do not need a hack for sewing on a button in three easy steps. Jose at the dry cleaners will do it for $5.
9. I am still not sure why Pinterest feels the need to post my Pins on facebook. It is almost mocking me, announcing to the world "Ummm...look at how f'ing stupid Jess is being. She actually thinks she is going to do this. Let's all point and laugh".
10. Pinterest is like that perfect girl in high school that could do no wrong. It is a love hate relationship. As much as I enjoy admiring from afar, I am scared if I get too close, I will start to see the faults. Therefore, I should keep my relationship with Pinterest as a idealized one, and walk away while I still have an ounce of sanity.
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