So I tried crossfit yoga the other day (which is like regular yoga, just a little more f'ed up), and here are my thoughts:
1. They really did find the whitest male narrator is the whole crossfit nation. It was kinda like listening to Casey Kasem explain how s&m works. 
 2. As I am holding these contortionist holds, Casey Kasem kept telling me to relax. Ummm...ok, my spine is being pulled out of my anus, but let me take a few moments to appreciate how relaxing this is, wtf?
3. Why do all of the poses have majestic sounding animal names likes soaring eagle and bearded dragon (or some shit like that)? How about naming these poses after what they really look like "drunken elephant falls into the watering hole" or "turtle knocked on his ass"? These name changes would really capture the whole yoga experience more effectively.
4. Why in the hell are we holding poses for 6 minutes?!?! I can't do anything for 6 minutes. I can't even sustain attention while driving on the expressway at 80 mph for six minutes, yet you want me to "relax" into the "smooshed cockroach" for 6 minutes?!?! What the hell is wrong with you people? I need some ritalin if I am going to do this shit again...
7. I think I pulled a vagina muscle.
8. During this freak show called crossfit yoga, the girl next to me said "you are so quiet, I thought you snuck out and left". Really ?!?! Trust me, if I could to get out of the "alley cat in heat pose" without assistance, I probably would have, but it would have sounded like a pissed off herd of water buffalo. There would be nothing silent or graceful about my exit.
9. What is with the music? I was waiting for Indiana Jones to burst through the door and rescue me from the Temple of F'ed Up Yoga.
10. I will say that the quasi "spa with a happy ending " music this week was way more relaxing then the "Cinemax at 3 am" sound track last week.
11. As Casey Kasum is telling me to relax into these 6 minutes Spanish Inquisition poses, he felt the need to say "it is ok if you fall asleep for a couple of minutes during these poses", ummm... yeah...that is like telling me to fall asleep during child birth. It would take an obscene amount of alcohol to "fall asleep" in the "possum hit by a train" pose. Seriously, I am not narcoleptic...
12. The narrator talked entirely too much. Obviously, by the sound of him, he would be the type of guy to talk all the way through a movie. Seriously dude, just shut up. I am trying not to die here, and if I do, I would rather have Tommy Chong narrate my death.
13. It really did take a ton of energy not to fall over. Everyone else is stretching peacefully into the "roly poly", and I am in my corner hoping not to fall on my face, and if I do, a plastic surgeon only.
14. Seriously, I am still sore. I can deadlift 265 pounds without pain, but I can't hold "the flying squirrel" for 30 seconds? 
 Needless to say, the next time I will be doing yoga is when my husband stuffs my dead body into a suitcase to dispose of it in Wolf Lake, just sayin'....